Fear-apy: Face Your Fears, Find Your Purpose
In this article, you'll learn a simple and actionable practice to take small, daily steps to break through limiting fears. Limiting fears are the kind of fears that keep your life or career smaller than you'd like it be... they limit and restrict your soul's expansiveness. Thus, by conquering these fears, your life grows fuller, your soul expands, and your spark of purpose ignites.
“Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.”
here’s what you’ll learn in this article:
The important difference between how your mind (ego) feels about fear v. how your higher self (soul) feels about fear.
How to use fear as a compass to discover your purpose.
How a simple daily practice called fear-apy can change your life.
🎙 If you prefer to listen instead, click here to access the podcast episode.
An important differentiation
The kind of fears we're discussing in this article are the type that pose no threat of true physical danger. Rather, they confront us with the threat of potential failure, embarrassment, discomfort, uncertainty, etc.
We're also not talking about fear consciousness—the type of fear that pervades and ripples throughout the world from mass events or happenings. We'll save that discussion for another day, because there's an entirely different approach to handling it.
Rather, the kind of fears we’re talking about here are the limiting type. The fears that keep your life smaller than you'd like it to be. The mind-derived fears that convince you to play small.
Fear wears many hats... masquerading around within other emotions and identities. Apathy, boredom, procrastination, avoidance...
In fact, procrastination has a lot more to do with fear than it does with anything else (“laziness” included). In the case of procrastination, we fear failure and therefore we quit before we start.
Self-sabotage is somehow more palatable to the ego than going for it and failing.
Fear from the perspective of Self v. Soul
What does fear mean to the self (mind)?
To the mind (ego), fear is interpreted as a stop sign. It’s interprets the feeling of fear as a signal to retreat into safety and comfort. The mind believes it’s keeping you safe or saving you from potential failure, embarrassment, etc.
This is because the mind is informed by the ego, and the ego always seeks to preserve its identity in its most current state. It craves safety, consistency, and comfort. For more on the ego, listen to this podcast episode.
What does fear mean to the soul (higher self)?
To the soul, fear is interpreted as a welcomed messenger, inviting you to change your beliefs or behaviors.
It knows that your fears are guiding you towards the life you’re destined to live.
Instead of seeing fear as a stop sign, your soul sees fear as a compass that’s guiding you towards your edges.
Fear is a compass.
The higher self (soul) guides us to our daily fear-work by way of gentle whispers, nudges, and encouragement.
Perhaps we see a flash in our minds eye nudging us to do something that’s outside of our typical routine or comfort zone.
These nudges can be small and gentle. For instance, we might see ourselves taking a walk outside, picking up a book on a topic of recent interest, grabbing some paint supplies and expressing our creativity in a new way, etc.
These nudges can also be big and bold. We might see ourselves leaving our cushy 9–5 job to pursue our soul’s calling, envision ourselves moving to a totally new place, etc.
Whatever the flash of insight is, we know in our heart that there's joy to be found in that fear-facing activity.
And yet as soon as the mind gets a hold of the idea, it comes up with all the reasons why it's dangerous, terrible, "won't help", etc.
The mind rejects what it's uncomfortable with as a means of self-preservation and protection. It's not until we override its resistance that it begins to find comfort and beauty within the once uncomfortable.
This quote from Steven Pressfield sums up this experience:
Are you paralyzed with fear? That’s a good sign. Fear is good. Like self-doubt, fear is an indicator. Fear tells us what we have to do. Remember one rule of thumb: the more scared we are of a work or calling, the more sure we can be that we have to do it.
Finding your fear spots
What are ‘fear spots’?
"Fear spots" are the fears—big or small—that stop you from living your life fully.
They're unique to you, and only you know exactly what they are... likely the first things popping into your mind right now.
"Fear spots" are the things you truly want to to do or get done, and yet your mind stands in your way. Your heart says ‘yes’ and yet the mind is so convincing, so persuasive that you just can't seem to make a move.
Unfortunately, fear thrives, grows, and expands the more we allow it to dictate our actions, choices, thoughts, and habits.
Left unchecked, these fear spots begin to push in on us... making our lives smaller and smaller and smaller.
Hard truth: You're either actively pushing yourself out toward your edges and shrinking your fear spots or your fear spots are actively pushing in on you and making your life smaller.
How to find your fear spots
Take a moment to visualize.
Imagine yourself within a circle. The line that forms the circle is the edge of your comfort zone as it currently stands. Inside the circle are all the things you're totally comfortable doing... inside the circle is your life as it currently exists.
Now, outside the circle I want you to imagine all the things you want to do but avoid doing out of fear.
These are your current fear spots.
If you're having trouble…
You can pinpoint your current fear spots by zooming forward in time.
Imagine yourself on your final day on this planet... if you continued on with life from now until then exactly as you currently are today without changing anything, what would you regret?
What are the things you're not doing that you would regret never doing?
What are the things you are doing that you would regret spending so much time on?
Remember, left unchecked these fear spots can grow bigger themselves and begin to shrink the periphery of our comfort zone... allowing life to close in on us. Fear thrives, grows, and expands the more we allow it to dictate our choices, behaviors, etc.
The goal is to work to consistently lean into the edges of our comfort zone to push the boundary outward, expanding the breadth of life as we go.
As we do, the circle expands and what was once uncomfortable or scary becomes part of our comfort zone.
Find freedom through fear-apy.
There's one person in the entire world who has the power to free you from your fears: YOU.
The so(u)lution to fear is counterintuitive. Fear says walk away, but the answer is to walk through.
Part of freeing ourselves from fear involves releasing the need to define exactly how life needs to be in order for us to be ok. It's in this clinging that fear builds and life shrinks in on us.
Micro exposure therapy.
What is exposure therapy?
Exposure therapy is a psychological treatment that was developed to help people confront their fears. When people are fearful of something, they tend to avoid the feared objects, activities, or situations. Although this avoidance might help reduce feelings of fear in the short term, over the long term, the fear becomes much worse.
—American Psychological Association (APA)
Simply put, exposure therapy seeks to incrementally expose an individual to the feared stimulus over time. This enhances tolerance, promotes resilience, and decreases the hold the fear has on a person's life.
Exposure therapy was developed to address fears that tend to be quite extreme in terms of how they affect an individual's life, but the fundamental principle of this method of therapy holds true regardless:
Avoid your fears and they will grow, face your fears and they will shrink.
In the wise words of Zig Ziglar,
F-E-A-R has two meanings: 'Forget Everything and Run' or 'Face Everything and Rise'
How can we leverage this practice to face our limiting fears in a meaningful way?
The only way to overcome fears is to face them... gradually and often.
This is where "fear-apy" comes into play… it's essentially a micro exposure practice where we lean into the edges of our comfort zone by tackling our "fear spots" head on, day after day.
Fear-apy. Lean into your edges to light up your life.
Step 1. Each day, pick at least one "fear spot"—a task or activity that you've been fearing or putting off—and just do it. It can be tiny... in fact, tackling micro fears is a great place to start, because this will allow you to build confidence with the practice.
Step 2. Repeat. Day after day after day.
Important note: Sometimes the fear-busting actions we need to tackle require us to not do something rather than to do something.
For instance, to stay quiet and reflect when we'd normally speak out, to let go when we'd typically try to control, to embrace and listen rather than defend, to sit with our feelings rather than numbing them out, etc.
Fear-apy rules.
Meet yourself where you are in the moment... what is currently a brave, bold leap for you may be at the center of someone else's comfort zone. Don't fear-compare.
Fear-apy is entirely personal. Only you know what will be the most soul-expanding, life-illuminating fears to conquer. This also means that you're the only one who can hold yourself accountable. Be honest with yourself.
Your fear barometer will vary from day-to-day, month-to-month, life season to life season. Flow with it, don't resist it. And be gentle with yourself. It's ok if the things that were once in your comfort zone become fear spots again... simply face them again.
Failure is fun. In every "failure" there’s a lesson to be learned, a boundary that's been expanded, a self-imposed limitation that's been shattered. Find the beauty and the lesson in your failures and welcome failure into this practice.
Practical examples of daily fear-facing.
Sitting down to write the first page, to brush the first stroke across the canvas, or to draw the first line.
Shaking up your routine to incorporate something joyful randomly into your day.
Allowing yourself to move forward and take the first step on a project or creative endeavor your soul is calling you towards even though you're uncertain about next steps.
Closing out of a social media app when you hear that whisper to do so or abstaining from social media all together... yes, this can truly be a brave thing to do!
Turning off the TV to focus on something action-oriented instead... or the opposite, shutting down your computer and watching something on TV.
Taking up a new hobby.
If you're Type A to the extreme, perhaps your fear-busting work will involve intentionally slowing down... doing something entirely unproductive and being still with yourself.
Sitting with yourself and your thoughts in silence without attempting to numb or distract.
Going for a walk or moving your body in a way it craves but has been denied due to fear or the mind's many excuses.
Eating a feared food that your mind has told you is "bad" or to be avoided simply as a means of controlling some desired outcome.
A note here: If you do this, do so mindfully and compassionately—in other words, proceed without guilt and without later engaging in compensatory behaviors (e.g., restricting or exercising).
Intentionally not controlling a situation (or person) that you'd typically try to control. Observe and quietly experience, don't intervene.
Replying to texts you've forgotten to reply to and now feel guilty about!
Reaching out to ask for help or support when you need it.
Starting anything your mind tells you you're not ready to.
Eating your "frogs". For example, let’s say your email inbox is overflowing and you feel a pang of guilt or overwhelm every time you think about it... it's not going away, take a step bravely towards it and handle it now.
Final thoughts.
If the idea of fear-apy has sparked something within you, give it a try this right now.
Face one of your fear spots head on. Toss out the mind's excuses, and take that first step. Now.
